If you love my family....

I posted this on Facebook a long time ago and realized that it should be on my blog too.

I have a request for anyone that cares about my family or our birthmothers. Please stop using the terms “keep” and “give up” when referring to adoption. These are terms commonly used in reference to purging one's house of garbage and other objects. You have to decide what to keep and what to give up or throw away. These terms should never be used in reference to a child or the thought process behind a birth mother’s decision.

There are a tiny number of exceptions to this but overwhelmingly, an adoption begins when a birth mother (sometimes a birth father) carefully ponders what will be the best future for her unborn child. If she concludes that parenting the child herself isn’t the best option, she may choose to place her child with adoptive parents. She pours over adoptive parent profiles, she may pray, talk to her family and friends, and after much thought and consideration, she chooses a family to place her unborn child with.

Please don’t dismiss these word choices as simple semantics. “Keep” and “give up” are so charged with negative ideas. They reduce a child to something akin to garbage and a birthmother to someone who treated a child like garbage. I know it doesn’t roll off the tongue and will take some effort but please try to use the words “parent” or “place” when referring to what a birth mother decided to do.

I am eternally grateful to my children’s birth mothers for carefully considering what the children they carried would need and deciding to place them with my family. Birth mothers are my heroes.

I have never heard someone use “keep” and “give up” with the intention to hurt or offend. I do not get offended by people who use those words. So rest assured, I am not angry or hurt by any of my friends or acquaintances. I am worried about how my children or their birth mothers will feel when they hear people use those words. Thank you to all of you who already understand and use the words “parent” and “place”. There are many of you.

You Can't Scare Me. I Have Twins.

Having survived the first 5 years with twins, I am often asked for advice by expectant mothers of twins.  Here's my best advice for expectant mothers of twins.  Parenting is such a personal thing and there are so many ways to do it.  This is what worked for me and my family.  I have no problem with other Moms doing something totally different.  I'm ok with other people disagreeing with my methods.  Just offering this to anyone who wants it.  Take what you like, leave what you don't:  

Congratulations!  It's not going to be a piece of cake but having twins is really fun.  So many sweet/precious experiences are in your future that only come with twins.  Here are my thoughts for you.  I hope it helps.  I read a lot of books on twins but there wasn’t one that stuck out to me.  I learned many valuable things from all of them.  I suggest checking out whatever you can find from the library.  Following is everything I could think of that I learned from my experience.  Feel free to keep asking me questions via comments.

1.  Take a deep breath and accept that yes, twins will turn your life upside down for a while but it's totally doable and you will love it.  If you prepare mentally/emotionally to have it kind of dominate your life for a little while, that's half the battle.  I have a friend with triplets who said that it got dramatically easier every 6 months.  She was so right.  Try to think in terms of how to enjoy and survive the first 6 months for now and know that every 6 months things will get dramatically easier.  I think by the time my twins were 3, it really wasn't much different than just having multiple children of different ages.  If you have other children, that is going to be a real help in so many ways.  Everyone I know with twins has some circumstance that made their situation even more complicated in the beginning and they all survived wonderfully.  For example, my twins were born at 25 weeks in another state and were in the NICU for 3 months.  We could hardly take them anywhere for the first 8 months.  Then, when they were 10 months old, I got sick went to the hospital for 5 weeks and had brain surgery.  We are all totally fine now and we have many happy memories from that first year despite the challenges.  A friend of mine had her twins when her other 3 children were 5, 4, and 2.  She had 5 kids 5 and under for that first year.  Her twins are 1.5 now and she's doing great.  Don't worry if you are in a similar situation.  You can totally manage it. Really.

2.  Start thinking now about how much you can clear from your schedule for the first 6-12 months after they are born.  You might need to start this a month or two before they are born.  Twins tend to come early and there is a good chance you'll go on bed rest.  In the beginning everything is so much easier at home.  I'm not saying you have to become a hermit.  Going out can be really fun but trying to get places on time and do things that aren't baby friendly will be tough that first year and limiting it as much as possible will make life simpler for you.  If you have lessons or activities your other children need to get to, consider trading rides for them for watching other kids at your house.  Maybe not when your twins are newborns, but as soon as they are on some kind of schedule, watching other kids at your house could be a lot easier than piling everyone in the car to drive someone somewhere.  As often as possible, plan outings when your husband can go with you.  Consider doing most errands on your own when your husband can watch the kids.

3.  Get an Amazon.com Prime membership.  I have learned that Amazon will ship you almost anything and most of it for a really great price.  A Prime membership is I think $75/year and gets you free 2-day shipping on most of what they sell.  I bought/still buy most of my toiletries, laundry detergent, diapers, presents for bday parties, baby showers, Christmas, office and school supplies etc. on Amazon.  I homeschool my kids and teach classes in a co-op and every week I get most of my supplies for class from Amazon too.  Things you use regularly like diapers you can set up a "subscription" for and they will come every month or every other month or whatever frequency you like without you having to do anything.  You save money on subscriptions too.  It's called the subscribe-and-save program.  Seriously, Amazon has been one of my hugest secret weapons.  It has eliminated so many errands and shopping trips from my schedule and it saves me money. 

4.  Start preparing and storing freezer meals.  If you don’t have a large extra freezer, consider getting one.  In the beginning, especially the first month, you will spend almost all your time feeding and caring for your newborns.  I’m certain you will have plenty of people bringing you meals but when that ends, it is nice if you have the means to, easily, and healthily feed your family.  It always makes me feel happier and like a good wife/mother when I can feed my family healthy, yummy food.  Freezer Meals are the best way I know how to do this.  Most of the things you already make can probably be made into freezer meals.  Some things can be pre-cooked  then frozen in gallon Ziplocs to be reheated in a crockpock after defrosting in the fridge for 24 hours, some can be assembled and ready-to-bake in a disposable foil container after defrosting for 24 hours.  Search the web for freezer meals – tons of ideas out there.  You’ll get lots of great recipes from friends too if you start asking.  If you can have a month’s worth of meals ready to go in your freezer before your twins are born, that will be a huge help to you.  It’ll take practice to remember to defrost them a day ahead of time in the fridge so they are ready to reheat or bake but this takes 5 minutes and it’s not a hard habit to get into.  Also consider having 1 night a week when your husband cooks dinner and 1 night when you get Subway, takeout, already roasted chicken from the grocery store or something else like that instead of cooking.  If you know you can plan on those 2 nights during the week, it will ease some stress and give you a little break 2 nights/week.

5.  As quickly as possible get the babies on a schedule.  I don’t know what your experience with other children as babies has been like but I know a lot of people struggle with the idea of getting a baby on a schedule.  With twins, it isn’t an option to not have them on one.  Hospitals are experts at this.  You will be an expert on it soon:).  Basically you need to feed them, play with them, put them to sleep, let them sleep, and change their diapers every 3-4 hours.  My favorite book for helping me get my babies on a schedule is The Baby Whisperer.  But don’t be afraid to disagree with her or ignore anything that doesn’t feel right for you.  I didn’t like her twin schedule personally but I loved what she taught me about sleep training.  Another book I’ve liked is The Happiest Baby on the Block. Read them now while you can.  You won't have time or mental capacity after your babies are born.

Depending on whether you are breastfeeding or bottle feeding, that will significantly influence your schedule.  I breastfed my twins for the first 10 months.  You have to decide first if you want to have your twins on the same schedule or slightly staggered.  There are pros and cons to both.  If you want them on the same schedule, I recommend using Podee Bottles for one twin every feeding, switching who has the Podee and who has you every feeding.  Here’s a picture.  A Podee bottle allows an infant to kinda feed themselves.  You put them in their car seat, put the bottle between their legs and the bottle nipple is kinda like a pacifier with a straw connecting it to the bottle.  You can put the nipple in their mouth and they suck on it.  Whenever it falls out, you put it back in their mouth, just like a paci – very easy.  This allows you to give most of your attention to one twin every feeding.  Initially I nursed my twins one-at-a-time, back-to-back.  That meant I was feeding them 16 hours a day in the beginning.  My situation was complicated because I adopted my twins and I was using an SNS system to supplement.  Even if you fed yours one-at-a-time, back to back it wouldn’t take that much time.  After 3 months I switched to tandem nursing.  Some Moms really love tandem nursing.  We had some sweet moments with this but most of the time it was a 3-way wrestling match and after 3 months, my nipples were so sore I had to stop.  You might be able to make it work – you probably won’t be contending with the SNS.  It does cut feeding time in half and allows your babies to be on the same schedule so you get more time when they sleep.  When my babies were 6 months old, I discovered Podee bottles and started using them. It allowed me to keep them on the same schedule, keep feedings to 6 hours a day instead of 12, and feeding one twin at a time allowed me to really bond with the one I was feeding and have a pleasant nursing experience.  I switched who I fed vs. who got the Podee every feeding so they both got half their feedings with my undivided attention every day. 

For sleeping, I highly recommend swaddle blankets like these.

Babies sleep so much better all swaddled up, even in summer, and they can’t unwrap these blankets.  Twins often do better sleeping next to each other in the same bed but if they aren’t swaddled good, they can disturb each other.  They eventually become immune to each other’s noises and crying.  My twins shared a room till they were 5 and very rarely woke each other up, even when one was crying really loudly.  They learned to tune each other out. 

I don’t know what your experience with sleep training babies is but it is critical with twins.  It just isn’t possible to rock-to-sleep or hold two babies while they sleep at once.  One option that could work if sleep training seems too daunting is get two swings and let them fall asleep in there.  I have a friend whose first baby slept in a swing for the first 6 months.  Totally doable.

6.  Say yes to any and all offers of help.  People are probably so excited for you and most people recognize what an overwhelming thing having twins is.  They will offer you lots of help.  Say yes.  You will need it.  You will pay it forward in the future.   Whatever they offer to do for you, if it seems helpful, say yes.  If they give a vague offer or ask what they can do, tell them you can use meals, rides for your older kids, or a couple hours to do errands or take a nap.   Ask anyone who offers to bring a meal to you to bring it in disposable containers – you won’t have time to wash, keep track of, and return people’s dishes and pans. 

7.  Figure out your strategy for going out with all your kids.   You need to figure out your diaper bag and your stroller/carrier plan.   I recommend a backpack for your diaper bag.  It holds so much more than a regular diaper bag and you need double the space with twins (two changes of clothes, double the diapers, two blankets, burb cloths, bottle, snacks etc.). Also it allows you to have both your hands free.  My twins are 5 and I’m still using my backpack whenever I go out with my kids.  You’ll need to decide how you want to convey your babies once out of the car.  In the beginning a double stroller that holds two carseats is very convenient.  Makes getting the babies in and out of the car quick and easy.  But, the stroller is enormous and unwieldy.  It took up almost my whole trunk and forget keeping it in the house.  And you can’t use it for grocery shopping, Costco, or other shopping trips where you need a lot of space in a shopping cart.  Even if you limit your errand outings with kids, there will be times you need to take everyone to the store.  When my twins were about a year old I discovered the Boba Carrier.  If I were to do it all over again, I’d use a Boba and a regular stroller right from the beginning.  With the Boba I could wear one twin and put the other in a single stroller or shopping cart.  So much easier to get around.  If you already have a stroller you wouldn’t have to buy a new stroller. If you have a toddler in addition to your coming twins, a Sit and Stand stroller plus a Boba could work really well for you.  You could wear one infant, put the other in their carseat in the stroller and have your toddler sit or stand in the stroller too.  When you go to the grocery store or somewhere with a cart, you wear one infant and the other can go in the shopping cart.  A lot of places have carts that will hold both your infant and a toddler.  Boba's are expensive yes, but worth every penny.  If you aren’t buying a new stroller it makes it easier to afford one of these.  Such a lovely way to carry an infant and I can still fit my twins (one at a time) in my Boba now.  Obviously a 5-year-old can walk on their own so I don’t use it anymore.  But I did regularly until they were about 4. We actually had two so my husband and I could carry them both when we all went out.  It’s nice not to deal with a stroller in some settings like a busy city or an event with large crowds. You can buy one from amazon here and from the boba website here.

8.  Plan now for how to refill your mental/emotional tank every week.  This is going to be an amazing and wonderful experience.  But, it will test your limits and take a lot out of you.  If you can figure out a plan for regular dates with your husband and regular times for you to run errands or take a nap or do something else for yourself, you can avoid breakdowns and running yourself ragged.  For dates, I recommend securing a babysitter for a regular weekly evening.  For you time, you could schedule an evening or time on Saturdays when your husband will watch the kids so you can do something for you.  You could also do a babysitting trade with a friend or pay a babysitter once/week so you can have you time.  My twins were on a pretty good schedule with 3 naps a day by the time they were 4 months old.  By the time they were a year old, my twins took one 3 hour nap, every day.   My oldest daughter was really good at staying quietly in her room during nap-time.  Having nap-time every day, all to myself, was my saving grace.  I couldn’t go anywhere but I could nap, read, get stuff done or whatever I needed and it kept me sane.  When my twins outgrew their naps at age 4, I started to lose it.  That’s when I started paying a babysitter to watch them one afternoon a week.  Still doing it.   The best way I know of to be a great wife and mother is to take care of my basic needs.  When I do that, I have a lot more to give my family. 

9.  Get whatever support you need.  It will be important for you to have other women you can talk to as you go through this experience.  Some women really love being part of a Moms-of-Multiples group.  They are everywhere. For me talking to my sisters and friends on the phone worked well.  Make sure you have some women you can vent to, problem solve with, and get emotional support from.   I have struggled with both anxiety and depression in the last several years.  I have found a wonderful counselor who has helped me manage both really well.  If you need help from a professional, get it. 

10.  Along with simplifying your schedule, put any major projects on hold for 6-12 months.  If at all possible, don’t try to potty train anyone, move, start a new exercise routine, or make any major changes to your life until your twins are 6-12 months old.  This might not be possible but do what you can to limit additional stress.  You’ll be able to handle whatever you have to but simplify what you can.  The one exception is my next point.

11.  If you have other children, start now to prep them to help with work.    My oldest was 5 when my twins were born.  She was and remains a HUGE help to me.  I don’t know what you and your kids are used to now so forgive me if I’m preaching to the choir.  But, kids are capable of a lot of work and you will need all hands on deck.  Even a 2 yr old can help with some work. If I were you, I’d focus a lot of energy now and until the twins are born on helping your kids learn to do chores and get used to a schedule of personal chores and family work so that when the babies arrive, things will keep humming along.  Depending on how many kids you have, you may be able to teach your kids to do the majority of the basic family work so that you are free to take care of the twins.  I’d focus on helping them learn to do their personal chores (make beds, clean their rooms, get dressed, put clothes away, brush teeth etc.); learn to help with laundry (sorting, washing, and folding); dishes /kitchen (loading and unloading the dishwasher, clearing the table, rinsing dishes, washing tables, and counters, sweeping or swiffering the floor); and bathroom (the mirror, sink, toilet, bathtub, and floor).  I use baking soda to clean my bathtub so it’s not toxic for a child to clean.  I do recommend gloves so their hands don’t get scratched.  It would also be nice if they knew how to do some basic food prep like microwave instant oatmeal, make PBJ sandwiches, peel and section Clementines or bananas, etc.  There may be meals when you need to rely on their ability to prep food for everyone. 

12.  Come to terms with the idea that someone will have to cry often.  With twins it is impossible to see to all of their needs immediately. Very often, one twin will be crying while you are helping the other one.  If you have other children, even more likely.  This is not a problem.  No baby or child ever died of crying.  All twins experience this and I don’t know of any of them suffering lasting damage because of it.  I actually find that twins and triplets seem to have a little more patience than other children because they are used to waiting their turn for Mom's attention.  If you already have other children, you probably already get this idea. 

13. Get Ready for lots of comments and questions.    I don’t know what it is but when people hear about or see your twins, a lot of them are going to start asking all sorts of bizarre questions and making strange comments.  Learn to laugh at it and respond appropriately.  You don’t owe anyone explanations and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of your situation.  This video is hilarious and so true to my experience.  I’ve had almost all of these things asked of me/said to me.  I get even more fun stuff because my kids were all adopted and my twins are African-American while me, my husband, and my oldest are all Caucasian. 

14.  When at your wits end, just hang on.  I’m not going to lie, there were a few moments in that first year when I wasn’t sure how I’d make it another hour, let alone another day, week, or month.  But they were moments.  They passed.  When you feel like you are at your wits end, just hang on by your fingernails.  It will get better.  You will sleep again.  You will feel human again.  You will feel really happy and wonderful again.  All you have to do is keep you and your children alive, fed, maybe dressed.  Everything else is a bonus. 

15.  Enjoy this unique and precious experience.    As a mother of twins you will get to experience some amazing things very few other people do.  Most twins have an amazing bond.  I remember seeing my twins asleep in the same crib with one of their heads on the other’s tummy and arms wrapped around each other.  This still happens on occasion - on vacation last summer they fell asleep in a hotel bed wrapped up together. My little girl is brave and bold.  My son is cautious and shy.  My twins always have each other in almost any new situation.  It is so cute to see them holding hands when they go into any new situation together.  They always prefer having the other one with them – they are each other’s security blankets.  I’ll always remember how cute it was when they started crawling, watching two little bums wiggling down the hallway side-by-side.  I’ll never forget when they both started learning to say the work “fork” and practicing at the dinner table.  With twins the cuteness is more than doubled, it is exponential.  Dressing them is sooooo fun.  It might be my favorite hobby.  It is really nice to have two babies to go around.  My oldest was so excited to finally have siblings.  When they came home from the hospital, she told me, “Mom, you get the boy, and I get the girl.”  When grandparents, aunts, and uncles, are around, it’s nice to have two babies to pass around.  There will always be people dying to hold your babies.  If you feel comfortable, let them.  I love being a Mom and there is nothing like the feeling of having both my twins in my arms at the same time.  It is getting difficult to fit them both in my lap now but I so loved it while they were little.  As they get older it is so nice that they always have a playmate.  Now that my twins are 5, they really do need less of my attention than they would if there were only 1 of them.  They fight like any siblings but they also play really well together. 

Congratulations!  I’m so happy for you.  This is going to be a wonderful experience.  It’s normal to be worried but you are in for some great times.  Please do follow up with any questions you have. 

Good Luck!

Jennifer

Family Builder Seminar in Mukilteo, WA

I'm so excited to announce this! This fall, September 29, to be exact, I am hosting a Family Builder seminar. Here's a link to the seminar registration info.

It will be in Mukilteo, WA. Family Builder is the program Diann Jeppson and Jodie Palmer run to support family centered education. This seminar is 1 day long and very reasonably priced. Look at the agenda - I think it sounds pretty amazing and it will give you a good idea about whether or not this one is for you. The room I booked only has space for 50 people so register ASAP to make sure you get a spot.

Information, Perspiration, and Inspiration

I think successful parenting takes a lot of information, perspiration, and inspiration. 

My twins, now 21 months old (yikes!), were born 4 months early at 25 weeks gestation and each weighed about 1lb. 5 oz. at birth.  They are some of the smallest born babies to have ever survived such a rocky beginning.  As such, they were invited by the hospital where they were born to participate in a National Health study on very-low-birth-weight babies.  The tricky part is, they were born in Utah and we live in Washington.  The hospital said the study involved an evaluation a few months before or after the twins were 18 months old, adjusted age.  I told them if we were somehow magically in Utah during that window, we would participate.

Well it just so happens we were.  So last week we took a break from our family vacation and went to Salt Lake City to have the twins tested as part of the study.  We owe the Universe for how miraculously our babies have recovered from their early health challenges and we know they have benefited from all the research and work that has been done in the past.  We hope our participation may help other babies in the future. 

A bonus for us was hearing what the Drs had to say about how the twins are doing now and what the future looks like for them.  The twins were a month old when we found out about them and were chosen to adopt them by their birth-mother.  So, we missed the really scary first days and weeks.  They spent the first month on ventilators and struggled to gain a few grams of weight.  When we met them, they were still each under 2 lbs, on oxygen, and very fragile.  Here’s a separate blog with pics and all the details of their NICU stay:  www.jarrettfamilyadventure.blogspot.com.

Liam had a few additional problems: a little hole in his heart (PDA) that hadn’t closed yet, urinary reflux, and he had suffered severe brain bleeds on both sides of his head.  We were told he was at serious risk for developing cerebral palsy due to the brain bleeds.  Both kids would have delayed development and be at risk for cerebral palsy and learning disabilities. 

We studied about all the ways to address these issues, prayed a lot, were blessed with very talented specialists and hoped the twins would escape early death and maybe even severe developmental deficiencies. We had no idea just how miraculous their recovery would be. 

Liam’s PDA is almost gone now, so small it’s not really of concern, his urinary reflux is gone, and his brain appears to have recovered almost completely from the bleeds.  The study evaluated their cognitive, fine motor, and large motor ability.  Chloe is 100% caught up to her real age of 21 months in every area!  Liam has caught up to his real age in cognitive and fine motor.  He is behind his adjusted age 3 months in large motor.  The Dr. said this large gap between Liam’s understanding of what he should do with his body and what he can make it do, like when playing with a toy, causes immense frustration.  We have certainly observed this.  Liam will get frustrated and fight with a toy for an hour sometimes.  The Dr. who evaluated the twins said he was amazed at how well both are doing, but especially Liam.  He said he fully expects Liam’s large motor development to catch up and doesn’t expect him to have any problems in the future. 

AMAZING! 

He also commented that if we had not provided the right kind of stimulation and environment for the twins, their brains could easily have turned to mush – scary.  This comment really had me reviewing the past and thinking about the stimulation and environment we’ve given them.  There’s one thing I keep coming back to.  This spring I listened to a TJED Forum lecture by Keri Tibbetts called A Journey through Core Phase.  I blogged about my response to this lecture here. 

Based on what I learned from her, I decided to get rid of the majority of the twins toys, especially battery toys.  I had mixed feelings at the time.  I wrote:  “I guess I'm struggling right now with the fact that my little boy LOVES toys with music, sounds, and lights.  I do see though that by playing with these he uses no creativity and does no work, just gets entertained.  I don't want to stifle his natural ability and desire to think and play creatively.” 

I have a new perspective on this now.  I think Liam loves toys with buttons, lights, and sounds so much because they are easy.  It is so hard for him to play with “plain and lifeless toys.”  It’s a lot easier to push a button and let the toy do all the work.  I’m sure I’d feel the same if I were in his shoes.  But, having those “easy” toys around eliminates Liam’s motivation to wrestle with the toys that make him do the work.  Working at it and giving his body a chance to learn and develop is what he needs most.  I am SOOOOO grateful I was inspired by that lecture to get rid of the battery toys.  I think they would have damaged or at least slowed Liam’s brain and development if I’d continued to let him play with them. 

From my own faith-based perspective, I see God’s hand in this as well.  We are so blessed.  To all you mothers out there who are trying to do what’s best for your kids: I know you are seeking good information and sweating like crazy as you raise and care for them.  Don’t forget to listen to the inspiration you receive.  Do what you think is right even if you don’t totally understand it.   There is someone out there who knows more than you and cares deeply about your children.

Advice For A New Mother

I made this for my baby sister's baby shower.

Advice For A New Mother

What I Don't Do

I discovered, in the last few years, that the secret to getting a lot done is in what you don’t do.  Whenever I find a new, inspiring friend who seems to accomplish amazing things and who I’d like to emulate in one way or another I try to learn what it is she doesn’t do and this helps me determine if/how I could also do some of things she does.

It’s a fact that we all have the same 24 hours a day to do things.  How we each spend that time varies wildly.  No one can do it all.  And there are times in life when the choices you made earlier mean you don’t have a lot of wiggle room now, like when you have a houseful of babies and toddlers, a really demanding job that you want to keep, or a time-consuming volunteer assignment.  Yes, some people can operate on less sleep, work faster, or multi-task but that really doesn’t explain how most of the “amazing ones” do what they do.  Their secret is in what they don’t do.

Please don’t think I’m trying to lump myself in with the “amazing ones” as I share my don’t list.  I just thought it might be helpful to know all the things I don’t do.  I’ve traded a lot of things in for more time and I’m generally happy with the choices I’ve made.  Also, I am NOT suggesting that my choices are “the best ones” or trying to convince anyone to make the same ones.  I’m thinking for myself and I want to inspire others to think and choose for themselves, which means we will likely choose different things.

1.  I’m not very social. 

Other than 3 nights a month for booklcubs/classes with my home school group, I don’t do much socially.  When my husband is not at work (nights and weekends) we spend time as a family.  On occasion we get together with another family but not that often.  Most evenings are divided between time together and time where we aren’t interacting but are in the same room doing our own things.  This is when I get a lot of reading done.

2.  I don’t do my hair or wear makeup, often.

My college roommates would really laugh at this.  Back in those days I would spend over an hour every morning on hair and makeup and then after school, wait for it, I would take a shower and do it all again so it would be “fresh” for my evening social activities.  Ridiculous, I know.

After brain surgery I had a shaved patch of hair on the back of my head and had to wear an eye-patch for a couple months, which totally defeated the purpose of doing hair or makeup so I didn’t.  I lost a lot of vanity and it became a habit and I found better ways to use that time in the morning.  I do makeup for church, dates with my husband, and anytime I want to look my best but I think my kids prefer me in a chair with a book than in the bathroom with hair and makeup done.  I don’t really care what random strangers think of my looks and I know my friends love me regardless.  My husband loves me either way but I know he appreciates my efforts for our dates.  Looking my best is one way I show respect for God, hence makeup for church.  My hair is finally growing in more normally and I desperately need a haircut but I don’t think I will go back to the days of blow-drying and flat ironing.

3.  My house is not that clean.

I hope this will not always be the case but I’m not willing to give a lot more time to it than I already do.  Ideally, one day, I will have enough storage for everything in the house to have a neat, accessible, place behind closed doors but today, I don’t. So I’ve purged and purged and purged but I still don’t have a good place for everything which means there is a bit of clutter about which makes cleaning a little more difficult.  And, I have very active baby/toddler twins that I must watch while they are awake. As my children get older, they will help with a lot of cleaning but that’s a few years off.  So I try to keep the kitchen and bathroom sanitary, not necessarily pretty, and the living room and bedrooms get picked up once a day and vacuumed 2-4 times a month.  Laundry gets done every week but not always folded and put away.

4.  My family doesn’t have a lot of clothes.

This is my secret for getting all the laundry done in a day.  When the twins were first born, we all had way too many clothes.  It became possible to do two loads of laundry every day in a week and still have piles of undone laundry lying around.  So, I purged.  I didn’t touch my husband’s wardrobe, that’s his affair, but I have noticed him purging on his own.  I got rid of everything we don’t wear.  Then I looked at what was left for the kids, I picked my 10 favorite outfits and got rid of the rest.  I didn't really need to do this with my wardrobe because it was already so small.  I never keep things I don't wear and only have a small wardrobe of things I like.  We only need enough clothes to get through the week, not two or three.  With the babies, I also had to get rid of a lot of blankets and burp cloths.   That eliminated A LOT of laundry. 

5.  I don’t do yard work. 

I’m not proud of this one and would like to change it, just haven’t made it a priority yet.  Our yard is pretty bad looking as all my nice friends could but wouldn’t say.  In the summer my husband mows the lawn.  I’ve weeded maybe twice in 3 years and pruned a rhododendron, very badly, once.  I did do a bit of gardening last summer and loved it.  I hope to spend time in the yard this spring/summer.  We have a play area with swings.  I need to get a second baby swing and then I can pop the twins in swings while I work in the yard. 

6.  I don’t go a lot of places.

As home schoolers, being at home is pretty important.  I don’t have to drive anyone to school, which is nice, and I’ve chosen not to enroll my kids in many classes or other activities so I don’t drive them many places.  I would like to get Isabel in swim lessons soon.  We go to our homeschool group once a month, a field trip once a month and to the park or a friend’s house twice a month.  We go to church every Sunday.  Other than that, me and the kids don’t go out during the day.  I have nearly all of my groceries and produce delivered.  If I really need something my husband will kindly pick it up on his way home from work.  Sometimes I make a solo errand run on a night or weekend for diapers, toiletries and other odds and ends.    I don’t take the kids to the library often.  Instead I use the library website to put books on hold and my husband picks them up every week.  We do most of our book and clothes shopping online.  Sometimes for fun on weekends we all go to the mall or bookstore together.  Yes, we are a sight. 

7.  I don’t facebook the way most people do. 

My husband recently convinced me to sign up for facebook.  I have it set up so that I never get any emails about anything from facebook and when I check my facebook page I skim over everything and only respond to messages from friends and a few comments here and there.  When I blog about something I want to share, I post a link on my wall.  I know facebook can take up a lot of time but I don’t spend much on it.  I prefer goodreads.com and blogs for connecting with distant friends and family.

I’m sure there is more that I don’t do but that’s the big stuff that comes to mind.  What’s on your “don’t do” list?

UPDATE:  I just remembered a very important one.

8.  I don't berate myself for what I don't do or don't do as well as someone else.
I've chosen the things I do and don't and even if it's not all perfect, what good will it do me to feel bad about it?  If I haven't chosen to do it, it's not as important as the things I am doing.  If I need to add something to my do list then I can work on that but not by dwelling on what a rotten person I am for not doing it.  I just don't believe in that kind of thinking.  I am not superwoman but I am capable.  If something really needs to get done, I can do it.  But first I'll have to decide what not to do, so I'll have time for the new something.  And what is the point of comparing myself to anyone else?  I don't do it.  If I want to be really good at something I'll have to put more time into it.  How my effort stacks up against someone else's similar effort is irrelevant.  I love to be inspired by what others are doing but I don't waste my time comparing myself to them.  I get good ideas and move on.

No we are not crazy

My husband and I learned this week that we’re going to have another baby!  I know we sound crazy.  The twins birth mother is pregnant and would like us to adopt the baby.  We discussed and prayed, and pondered all week and we know this baby is supposed to be in our family.  We are thrilled.  I always wanted a large family but didn't think it would be possible for us.  Not sure when baby's coming exactly but probably 6 or 7 months if all goes well.  The twins will be not quite 2.  I will have some good stories to tell.  

So I’ve been thinking a lot about motherhood this week.  Today I was listening to a cover of Bob Dylan’s “Make You Feel My Love” (by Adele, really great!) and the lyrics describe how I feel about my children really well. I suspect many mothers would feel the same.  There is something there that especially speaks to the journey adoptive parents take.

"Make You Feel My Love"

When the rain is blowin' in your face

And the whole world is on your case

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawlin' down the avenue

No, there's nothin' that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love.

Though storms are raging on the rollin' sea

And on the highway of regrets

Though winds of change are throwing wild and free

You ain't seen nothin' like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the Earth for you

To make you feel my love.

It also reminds me of a passage from The Secret Garden by Francis Hodgson Burnett, which I recently read.  One of the main characters, Dickon, a 12-year-old boy, befriends two motherless 10-year-old cousins, Colin and Mary.  Dickon’s mother, Susan Sowerby, is the archetypal loving, gentle, understanding mother.  Colin finally meets her one day and when it’s time to say goodbye he

“stood quite close to Susan and fixed his eyes on her with a kind of bewildered adoration and he suddenly caught hold of the fold of her blue cloak and held it fast. 

‘You were just what I—what I wanted,’ he said.  ‘I wish you were my mother—as well as Dickon’s!’

“All at once Susan Sowerby bent down and drew him with her warm arms close against the bosom under the blue cloak—as if he had been Dickon’s brother.  The quick mist swept over her eyes.

‘Eh! Dear lad!’ she said.  ‘Thy own mother’s in this ‘ere very garden, I do believe.  She couldna’ keep out of it.’”

I can’t read that passage without choking up.  I’d love and mother all the motherless children in the world if it were possible.  My husband is afraid I might try.

Thanks Juli, for helping me connect all these dots.

Back to Basics

Wow! The last 7 months of my life have been crazy wonderful. Our twins, Chloe and Liam are doing so great. Check out recent pics of them here. It is so fun to be the mother of 3 adorable, hilarious, sweet, lovable, and always-changing children. And, obviously it is time consuming and hard work. But I've dreamed of being this kind of busy for a long time. I'm trying to soak it up and enjoy every minute and remember that before I know it my little ones will be grown up and I'll be wishing for these days again. Somehow I manage to read tons but that's about all I do besides taking care of children and very basic, not-quite-adequate housekeeping. Maybe today is the day the bathroom will actually get done...

Isabel turns 6 in October and this would be the year she would enroll in Public School if we weren't homeschooling. With all our family changes a lot of people have asked if I will still be able to homeschool my kids. I know most people think it gets harder with more kids but I can now say with a few months worth of experience, that at least for now, it is easier. If I were doing a K-12 program that looked like public school then yeah, it might be impossible to do but when your engaged in Leadership Education, having a family with lots of kids makes it so much better. One of the principles of this philosophy is "Inspire not Require." That's where most of my energy goes - finding new ways to inpsire Isabel. Having the twins has inspired her to do lots of new things.

One example is reading. She loves to be read to and sometimes shows a desire to read herself but "reading" (what beginning readers do using a combination of sight reading, phonics, contextual clues, and guessing) to Mom is like a test and feels pointless. Mom already knows what the words on the page say and she'll know if you read it wrong--she doesn't need you to read to her. But "reading" to your little brother and sister is exciting! They certainly can't read for themselves and are excited to have your attention. Plus, they don't know if you read it right or wrong. You get to be the big, knowledgeable person while you practice things you are learning. Isabel has made a lot of progress in her reading lately and I know it's because she's been inspired by the presence of her baby brother and sister.

We've also had some success restructuring our morning routine. We have to schedule ourselves around the babies eating and napping times. This has forced us to be a little more structured and gives a nice flow to our day. All 3 of my kids are in core phase. In core phase we focus on teaching them good/bad, right/wrong, true/false, work, family relationships, and responsiblity. So our day is structured to facilitate this. I get up before all the kids to exercise and shower. Then I feed babies while Isabel gets her own breakfast, showers, and gets dressed. Having the babies has given her the motivation and opportunity to learn more skills and become more independent. While the babies play we start our morning chores together: dishes and kitchen clean-up, make the beds, pick-up bedrooms and livingroom, vacuum and laundry. If we did a good job the day before and didn't leave a lot of messes for ourselves, the morning cleanup only takes 30-45 minutes. After the twins have played for 20-40 minutes they are ready for a nap.

When our chores are done we use the rest of naptime for school time. That is, we do whatever Isabel is inspired to do. Usually we cuddle up in the chaise lounge with a novel and read for an hour or more. Other things we do are read library and picture books, do art projects, bake in the kitchen, work in the garden, listen to music, dance, and play games. I try to keep a running list in my head all week of things Isabel has expressed an interest in and then we use our morning time to do things from the list. I'm always putting things on hold at the library and once a week Kelly or I pick up the latest stack of books. I try to bring in resources and materials in response to Isabel's interests. I don't make her do anything during school time, I just respond to her needs and interests. Over the past few weeks we've learned about microbes, ants, gardening, Beethoven, and poetry; read the scriptures, dozens of fairytales, a handful of novels, and stacks of pictures books; baked different kinds of bread and muffins; planted and maintained a square foot garden (with some major help from our friends Rachel and Jason - thank you!);

and turned Isabel's bedroom into a gallery of her paintings.

This is how she learns the core phase lessons of good/bad, right/wrong, true/false, work, family relationships, and responsibility.

Before the babies wake up we try to eat lunch. If we don't stop in time, Isabel makes a sandwich for herself. Then she runs outside to play on nice days or finds something to do inside. I read to myself whenever I'm nursing. During the twins second nap I do whatever I can from my to-do list in 90 minutes. Then I feed them again. By now it's 5pm and time to get dinner ready, pickup the house and get ready for Daddy to come home. Isabel helps with dinner and pick-up. We eat dinner at about 6 or 6:30. We all do the dishes together. At 7:30 or so, the twins eat again while I read the family novel-du-jour to Kelly and Isabel. Right now it's Charlotte's Web. Then Kelly tucks Isabel into bed. At about 8:30 or 9 we put the twins to bed and then it's our time to read, talk, do whatever. Last night we started reading "Carry on Mr. Bowditch" together. I love reading with Kelly.

And, that's what an ideal day looks like at our house. On a good week, 3 or 4 of our days looks like this. On a bad week maybe only 1 does. Having 10-15 ideal days in a month is success in my book.

Pieta and Motherhood

I was first exposed to Michelangelo’s Pieta when I read My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok. The story’s protagonist, Asher Lev, is drawn to and studies various Pieta sculptures, including this one. The first time I saw a picture of this Pieta, I was stunned by the beauty of the work. The word “pieta” is Italian for “piety”. Piety is often thought of as an insincere show of religious devotion but the true meaning of the word is reverence for God or devout fulfillment of religious obligations. As I’ve continued to study Michelangelo’s Pieta, I have come to see it as a symbol of motherhood and the many types of suffering associated with motherhood. There are many Pieta paintings and sculptures that attempt to depict the suffering of Mary as she holds the dead body of her son, but most of them depict suffering as grotesque and terrible. For me, only this Pieta captures the beauty inherent in this kind of suffering.

Though the suffering of Christ was a result of evil and destructive forces, God consecrated it, making it productive and purpose-filled. For the atonement to have the power of redeeming men from sin, Christ had to allow himself to be sacrificed. He didn’t want to but He knew it was necessary and submitted His will to the Father’s. As Christ said, “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” Christ’s willing submission made all the difference.

Suffering can become a gateway to the greatest blessings the Father has to offer us. As C.S. Lewis wrote in his essay A Slip of the Tongue, “For it is not so much of our time and so much of our attention that God demands; it is not even all our time and all our attention; it is ourselves...For He has, in the last resort, nothing to give us but Himself; and He can give that only insofar as our self-affirming will retires and makes room for Him in our souls.” Lewis continues, “For He claims all, because He is love and must bless. He cannot bless us unless He has us.” That is where this kind of suffering can lead us. Michelangelo’s Pieta embodies this truth.

I relate to this piece of art on a personal level. In my own small way, I know about this kind of suffering. I spent several long years desperately trying to become a mother and ultimately learning that my husband and I could not have children biologically. It wasn’t until I accepted this truth and learned to live with it that we were finally able to become parents through adoption.

When I look at Michelangelo’s Pieta, I see an expression of my personal experience with suffering and submitting to God’s will. Though Mary holds her son’s body, her arms are really empty. He is not there. His spirit is gone. I remember the ache I felt in my arms, longing to hold a baby of my own.

Mary though in the midst of her greatest suffering appears young, beautiful and God-like. She has been transformed by the experience. The agony I felt seemed unbearable but I survived it and it transformed me. Mary contemplates her son with a pained but peaceful expression. Her left hand questions “why” while the rest of her body rests calmly and submissively in acceptance of God’s will. I remember asking why and learning to be content with the answer, “Someday you will understand. For now, accept it as my will.”

This moment is for Mary the ultimate fulfillment of the commitment she made years before, “Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word.” I loved that scripture as a young woman and had a picture of Mary talking to the angel, hanging in my bedroom. I thought of Mary as the quintessential mother and wanted to be like her when I grew up. I knew that God wanted me to be a mother someday and that motherhood would be my greatest work on earth. I did not understand then what I would go through to fulfill that commitment.

Mary gently cradles her full grown son as if to say, there are no limits on the depth and breadth of a mother’s love. It is eternal. That is how I feel about my daughter. It doesn’t matter that we are not biologically connected. I am her mother therefore my love for her is boundless. Mary doesn’t cling to Christ with desperation or possessiveness as many mothers would in this moment. She is fully present and feels the pain and anguish deeply, but she possesses such self-mastery that she is able to simultaneously accept this as God’s will. This reminds me of the peace and hope that came when I finally accepted God’s will for my family. I still felt the pain but somehow I could bear it.

The hard, permanent, stone of the sculpture is much like Mary’s quite determination. She is not looking for an escape or distraction — she will remain in this painful moment until God will’s it otherwise. I did not know how long I would wait to become a mother but I accepted that it would be on God’s timetable and learned to wait patiently.

For me, the great weight of Mary’s robes folding and piling up around her symbolize the weight of all she bears. Now that I am a mother, I have discovered a range of new fears and pains and I see them in Mary’s suffering too. There is the constant worry that I will fail as a mother. There is the fear that my precious child will die before I do. There is the agony of watching my daughter suffer. There is the knowledge that I cannot make her choices for her and the fear that she will reject the things I’ve taught her about good and bad, right and wrong, true and false. All these are the burdens of motherhood and there is something in Mary’s countenance that tells me she knows these too.

Isabel's Scarecrow, It's a casual thing

On Monday Isabel and I read The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum. She just kept begging me to read one more chapter and one more chapter until we finished it. This was the first time I've ever seen her completely engaged by a book and it was so fun. We've had lots of discussions about the book and characters since then. Isabel was particularly taken with the scarecrow. While visiting family in Utah this summer she got to see Grandpa Jarrett's farm in Nephi and his scarecrow. With all that inspiration, Isabel decided we should make our own scarecrow, so that's what we did today. It was a lot of fun. The best part was hearing Isabel talk about the scarecrow and his significance in her life. Check out the video for a really good laugh.

Isabel ABC

Isabel brought me this picture the other day. I thought it was really cute and it's exciting to see her learning to read and write. I particularly like the family inserted into the alphabet. That's sort of how I see our family - swimming in a sea of books and words. Isabel is very interested in writing at the moment. She carries crayons and pencils and a notebook around the house and yard. Most of her writing is very cute gibberish and then she'll surprise me with something like this. It is so fun to be a mommy!

Mommies and Daddies, get some rest!

I see so many exhausted parents every day. At the library, shopping, the park, church, anywhere families might be. When I hear about their sleepless nights and hopeless declarations like, “I don’t think I’m ever going to get more than 3 hours of sleep again,” I can hardly contain myself. I remember that exhaustion. I remember yelling out to my husband at 2 am “You better come take this baby for her own safety!” I also remember the glorious day I discovered “The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer.” I was so glad to find advice that was practical and doable. The author, Tracy Hogg, doesn’t advocate anything extreme. She won’t tell you to sleep with your baby or suggest that you leave a crying baby all alone.

It took a few months and several readings (really – you need to read it several times before you’ll really “get it”) but I trusted Tracy and dutifully followed her method until my 2 month old began sleeping through the night. I remember the first time she slept from 10 pm – 5 am and I rushed to the gym in exhilaration – I felt ready to run a marathon! I continued to follow her method until Isabel was sleeping 12 hours a night and taking 3-4 hours of naps every day. At 2 years old, she is still a fabulous sleeper. I know every child is different and no one is going to get the exact same results but I truly believe in the principles Tracy Hogg teaches. She covers just about every area of childcare and I used most of it. I especially like her approach to personality and her charts that decode every facial expression, body movement and sound that a baby might make.

This is the book I recommend most often. I wouldn’t read it without the companion book, “The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems.” The author wrote it on her deathbed (she died from cancer in 2004), hoping to answer all the follow up questions parents had or ever would have. It contains some essential information that’s not in the first book. I also liked “Secrets of The Baby Whisperer for Toddlers.” It helped me recognize and work with my daughters emerging personality.

Consult the Baby Whisperer like I did and get some rest!